DRINK IT IN

by: EVAN KOCH

I am totally and completely infatuated with life.

Yes, I am that person.  I am happy every single day.  I live with a smile that never seems to fade. I am so freaking happy, some days my pleasure may actually tick other people off.  I have never and will never find a good enough excuse to not enjoy a moment. Several years ago I came across an inspirational line, “Life is a great big canvas, and you should try to throw all the paint on it you can” by the early American singer, actor, and comedian Danny Kaye. My mom has been quoting a similar phrase the last few years.  Live, Love, Laugh.  It is behind Danny Kaye’s mantra that I find my philosophy and inspiration to life.

     There are 3 central characters who each faced some type of adversity in life that have honed my outlook on life.  Adversity – oh how you have inspired me.  Life is a crazy complex beast and you never know what is coming your way.  Each of these wonderful people taught me more in adversity than I have learned in any other moments of my life.

My first story deals with what it feels like to hurt and finding the good hidden within any situation. Life is like a box of chocolates.  Family is supremely important to me.  There is no single thing that is more important than family. I come from a pretty big, amazing family.  I fit in the middle of the pack, Gretchen, Evan, Mason, and Sydney, or as mom dubbed us, the GEMS.  We are a very tight knit unit. My dad, Brian and mom, Heather, have together for twenty five years! It’s always loud and hectic when we are home. I love my family and could not imagine a day were I did not have them to lean on.

     Growing up, I had lots of friends from different social groups.  I could get along with just about anyone, but my older sister Gretchen was my best friend. While in my early years, I spent all my time with her. Back in the day when Gretchen and I were little we were inseparable.  We were only 2 years apart in age but had plenty in common. We’d play Barbie’s and Rescue Heroes together, then paint each other’s nails and play in the mud.  As we grew up together the dynamic of our relationship changed, but that childhood closeness was something we never lost. 

     The defining moment for me occurred last year.  It was a Friday in March; I got a text in class from my older sister that said “I need to talk to you after school”. If you’ve never been on the receiving end of those words, it’s similar to being told, “Put your hands above your head and close your eyes, and wait to be punched.”  You don’t know where or what’s about to happen but it’s definitely going to hurt.  So I went through the day knowing I would get to have my dreaded conversation at the end of the day. The time came and we were at Steak n’ Shake having a sit down to a milkshake. She dropped the mother of all bombshells on me.  In the back of my head, I had been thinking all day.  Then she said it, “I’m pregnant”. I tried hard to convince myself that I would love this baby, but everything within me wanted to be mad and hate everyone.  In that moment my mind went into auto-pilot, I needed to survive the conversation so I could go home and process the news. I went home, cancelled my plans for the night, and went up to my room.

     I spent the next nine months of my life feeling betrayed, pissed off, and in shock. My big sister was dang near the perfect child so this curveball hit me out of nowhere. I just kept saying to myself, “how could she do this to us?” As the December due date grew nearer, I attempted to let go of some of my bitterness, and prepare for a new addition to our family. However hard I tried, I still felt bitter towards the future experiences and future memories

     It was December the twenty second over Christmas break when we got the call from my mom.  My niece had arrived and it was time to come see her. Dad loaded us into the truck and we headed over to the hospital. On that drive over something changed.  I suddenly found myself so giddy I couldn’t wait any longer; I left the family standing in the lobby and ran ahead into the recovery room. I opened the door saw her, my newborn baby niece, Kalin Diane Baker. I held her in my arms.  She was so tiny and innocent.  It was a magical moment.  I felt all anger I had towards my sister melting away.  It was just a few days away from Christmas, and I made the connection that family is a gift, and one that is truly irreplaceable and I was holding the newest 8 lbs asset of our family. In the year since my niece came into this world, we have been splattering paint all over Danny Kaye’s canvas of life.

     The second central character in shaping my life philosophy is my younger brother Mason.  Mason is special.  I will never understand why some people have to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. No one is who walks this Earth gets the privilege of being perfect. We all have flaws. In all honesty, I think that’s what makes the world so great. A world full of unrefined and unique people creates a world place where everyone can have a marvelous purpose. My baby brother Mason isn’t smart, he isn’t coordinated, he isn’t aware of his surroundings, and socially he is often-times totally embarrassing.  I have never met a person more pure of heart.  Mason loves with all of his being.   

     Mason was born just eighteen months after me, but even from his first day the odds were stacked against him. Mason was born with an array of disabilities; Asperger’s, Autism, and Cerebral Palsy to name a few. The doctors told us he would never walk. Never talk. Basically would never amount to anything, being a vegetable his entire life. Mason required extensive healthcare.  He required daily therapy visits, countless operations, special feeding tubes, and breathing apparatuses, and nearly round the clock care.  I remember making many of those visits for him to work with physical, occupational, and speech therapists, along with some of top doctors and surgeons in the country. Through his first few years his development was slow, and I know he lived in almost constant pain.  By his 6^th or 7^th birthday he had learned to get around with a walker, was just beginning to speak, and could be fed manually through a tube instead of a pump.  Amazing progress, but still not the kind of life experience that caused me to wear a smile every single day.

     Growing up with a brother you aren’t allowed to play with is one of the most confusing things as a kid. Mason was always getting special attention from mom, dad, and the grandparents. Why was he so special? He didn’t do much of anything.  It was almost as if he was a prized trophy, and I wasn’t allowed to touch or look at for fear of breaking it.

     The years would progress and so would Mason’s abilities. It was hard for me relate and find connections with my little brother in the early years, but that would change.  My seventh grade year my family was forced to move from our beloved home in Carmel, into a transition apartment in St. Louis. My dad had recently sold off his business, and taken a job with Citigroup and needed to move to New York or St. Louis.  So we packed up and crammed all 6 of us into a little three-bedroom apartment while we waited on our house to sell and hunted for a new one. The move was hard on the whole family. My oldest sister, whom I was closest with, went into a very depressed state. My little sister had met a little girlfriend the same age in the room above us. I found myself without the two siblings with which I had been closest. All I had was Mason.  Just great.

     I remember those lonely Friday nights like they were yesterday. Staying at home by myself was a concept completely unbeknownst to me. Every day, I would come home, and turn on the Xbox, my surrogate new best friend.

The move to Missouri was, however, great for Mason. There was a massive grass field by our place; more wide open space out back, pools, playgrounds, and a huge recreation center full of games.  This spot was a haven for him. One thing about special needs kids is that most of them can have a good time about anywhere.  The kid could have a good time anytime and anywhere. I found that to be so admirable.  That was Mason.  He was having the time of his life and the rest of us were miserable. I really leeched onto that happiness with everything I had. I needed an excuse to stay positive and happy in my new environment, and it was so easy around him.

     Things started to change.  I would now come home to our little apartment and go to our room, which Mason and I were sharing (again a new concept for me) to find what he was doing.  It was me, asking him, what he wanted to do.  Whatever it was, I would just roll with it. His excitement was infectious.  On some days it would be going swimming, the next day we would fly a kite.  Some days we would just play videogames. If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always got.  With Mason, it was always an adventure, and it was always exciting. I remember some days doing the simplest silly things, like walking over to the pond where the geese where just so we could chase them! It was this period, this youthful, fun-loving spirit that came to define our relationship.

     I truly believe that it was the short stint in St. Louis where we changed from just brothers to also being best buddies. I owe so much to that kid. He is an inspiration to me every single day of my life. He taught me to never lose my sense of wonder in the world, because he sees the world the way I think we all used to, that being: the world is a playground. You only get one chance at this life and its not how you enter it or how you leave it, but how you decide to fill every moment in between.  Mason helps me throw paint on the canvas of life every single day.  I carry my little brother with me every day, and that’s why I can’t help but smile. 

     That last major character involved in shaping my philosophy in life I met on the football field.  The game of football has taught me many lessons in life over the years, but there is one coaching  motivational quote that rings true for me is -  Play every play like it’s your last.

      I’m a part of the Carmel football team and we had been working our butts off all summer getting ready for our senior year.  I’m one of the starters for the offensive line.  Marcus Peasley was one of the returning starters from the previous year.  Marcus was kind of the Knute Rockne in our group.  Always pumping us up and pushing us.  It had been a relatively uneventful start to fall football practice and we were headed into our second week of two-a-days completely unaware of the disastrous chain of events to follow that first week of practice.  The quarterback call a simple run play and everyone was doing well, everyone except my fellow brother and teammate Marcus. He went right when everyone else went left, it caused a pile up and he wsa trapped by friendly fire down around his legs.  I can vividly recall the guttural scream he let out.  We knew it was bad. He was down on the ground and wasn’t getting up. The trainer came over and Marcus was eventually carted off the field and we were left with an unsettling feeling lingering around us.

     We would later get the news delivered that Marcus had broken his foot and torn some ligaments in his leg, his season was done.  Getting this news was hard for the team as whole; Marcus’s senior season was over before it even got started.  Marcus loved the game of football like I do.  You can take the boy out of football, but you can’t take football out of the boy.  How would he deal with the injury, what was emotions was he dealing with. It was here that I found one of my greatest lessons in life to hone my philosophy. The game of football is played one game at a time just like life is lived, one day at a time. You truthfully never know when your last day is coming. That’s why I think death is so scary, because at any moment it could all be over.  Marcus taught me to bust it out every day and every play, so that when it is all said and done, you have no regrets and nothing left to give. 

     Life is so short, enjoy it while you can and live in the moment.  Smile.  Never lose your wonder in the world. Never forget, the world is a playground and like Danny Kaye said, “Life is a great big canvas, and you should try to throw all the paint on it you can.”  

Drink it in.  I certainly try.